Confessions of an OCD Bride

Two weeks ago, I woke up early for a Saturday.  The first thought I had in my head was, “My dress!”  I immediately got dressed and drove to Layton just to inquire.  Yes, I could have phoned, but I needed to see for myself where my dress was, was it going to be here in time for my alterations, etc.  I went in the store wound up, to say the least.  After the sales lady actually let me get on her computer to track it for myself, I calmed down.  “Sorry,” I said.  “I just find one thing to obsess over, and I won’t stop until I figure it out.”  “It happens all of the time,” she smiled.  “Don’t worry.”

It happens all of the time.  So I am “normal,” right?  Maybe not so much.  You see, I would like to say that my compulsiveness all has to do with the wedding, but I’m usually always like this no matter what the circumstance.  Just ask my mom.  My mom has been through my episodes where I would go late to school if my bangs weren’t perfect, or I wouldn’t go to bed until I found white socks that matched each other perfectly.  I would also reorganize her living room decorations until everything was symmetrical.  Because that is certainly normal…right?

As I’ve gotten older, it unfortunately has gotten worse.  So bad even, that it starting impacting my sleep.  I couldn’t sleep because I was always, always thinking or…reorganizing.  I couldn’t turn it off no matter what I tried.   Joe took me to the doctor and the doctor explained that I have anxiety and also OCD.  I was hoping for something to just help me sleep, but it wasn’t that easy.

So naturally, I freaked out.  I saw those people on television.  Counting stairs, washing their hands compulsively, not leaving their house.  Was I that bad?  This is where I had to change my thinking.  Everyone has their “thing” even if it’s no”thing” at all.  My “thing” is organization and planning.  If it’s straight and symmetrical, I’m ok.  If not, I will think about it, and think about it, and think about it.  Some people have certain triggers: change in routine, sickness, high stress at work, but unfortunately, we haven’t been able to narrow mine down.  For example, why did I suddenly wake up thinking “my dress?”  

I was happy to learn (by happy I mean relieved) that most people have certain levels of both anxiety and OCD.  Who knew?  Again, some people can turn it off and some people have it dictate their whole lives.  I’d like to think I’m a fully functioning individual.  I just go through these processes that few people see that help me get through certain circumstances.  I can go weeks without a single episode, or I can have several things happen in a day.  And usually, it never happens at school.

Joe looked at this for the first several years as me just being dramatic (which I am, but not in this case) and teased me about it.  “What’s the big deal?”  He would say.  Big deal?  Big deal?  His reaction would just infuriate me.  It wasn’t until these past two years especially he could see it, and could see that I couldn’t turn it off as much as I would try.  Imagine getting a phone call of me crying saying that I’m in Salt Lake and I can’t drive because there are too many cars on the road.  Since then, Joe has gotten it.

Some of the drawbacks of this whole thing (besides the nonsense listed above) is the fact that I never know when it’s going to happen.  I could be fine one minute, and immediately have an “episode” the next.  I can’t say to a person, “I was fine a few seconds ago, but now my heart is pounding out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to faint or vomit or both…but great party!”  Yeah right.  But that is an extreme case and rarely occurs.  But on the positive side, I have gained a lot. I don’t know anyone who has a cleaner house than me (and I actually enjoy making it that way), I’m on a routine, I’m very dependable, and I always keep my word (even if I have to leave early because I freak out).   

Lucky for me, my OCD has never let me down when it comes to planning my wedding either. If I could plan other people’s weddings on the side I would gladly do it because I love the organization of it (and the control)! Currently, everything is already done for my wedding and my event is two months away!  I’m not saying that I’m an over-achiever, I’m saying that that is normal functioning for me, and anything else is unacceptable…for me.  And for that, I thank OCD.  I have kept records for my vendors and have also memorized account numbers. I know everyone who is coming and have one list with me in my purse at all times (naturally, I have three copies).  This may not be your normal but this most certainly is mine…my confessions of an OCD Bride.