1. I am thankful that the average household size in Utah is the largest in the nation at 3.08. Without this, I may not have students to teach, or even worse, my class sizes would drop to the national average of 15.7 (gasp).
2. I am thankful for the colder temperatures so my neighbors can delay their 365-day garage sale of their childrens school clothes while they chain smoke all day, every day. In other news, the brand new mattresses that appear on their lawn bi-weekly are selling nicely.
3. I am thankful for the "Hide," "Unfollow," and "Block" buttons on Facebook so I don't have to read ignorant "logic" or look at photoshopped pictures of the President from the following "reliable" pages: The Conservative, Right Wing, Patriot Nation, Tea Party Nation, and Fox News.
4. I am thankful for IHC misdiagnosing Joe so much, I now have a cabinet full of unused medicine. The next time a homeless person is run over and lands in my front yard (yes, that's happened), I am saving him/her a trip to the E.R. and can start treatment immediately.
5. I am thankful that many of Shakespeare's plays have a classroom-friendly audio version. This allows my students to hear the words "Peace, ho!" and not think that a skank is leaving and/or a schizophrenic farmer is talking to his garden tool.
6. I am thankful for McDonalds employees on particularly rough, early mornings that can hear me merely grumble my order and know that I would like a large Coke for $1.08, please.
7. I am thankful for my lunch crew at school who spend countless hours providing free therapy and listening to my latest Real Housewives news and potential taglines if I was ever cast.
8. I am thankful for my car trunk because when it's been a rough week, a Hobby Lobby trip is needed and so is concealment of said trip from Joe.
9. I am thankful for smutty shows like Vanderpump Rules on Bravo. Watching thirty-somethings drink their life away, fight, work part-time, drink, wear slutty clothes, and drink some more make me feel so much better about myself.
10. I am thankful for sweatpants or any garment with an elastic waste or drawstring. I am convinced that a man invented zippers, metal buttons, and low-rise girl jeans just to see our constant discomfort at taking them on, off, and suffering all day like a sausage inside its casing. It was probably the same idiot that invented corn nuts.
11. I am thankful for non-educators calling the Common Core the Communist Core and thinking that they know how to teach better than I do without ever taking a course or stepping inside a classroom. Because of these "Pioneers in Education," showing us the right way, I have learned that school should consist of the following: a workbook (purchased online), several copies of an opt out form to remove my child from all things educational--I mean communist--and a device for holding my materials...perhaps a Mia Love binder.
12. I am thankful for the DVR and the Man Den. Let's face it, Joe and I would probably be divorced without both.
13. I am thankful that my students understand my sarcasm for the mere fact that I am proving my professors and their theory of "Sarcasm is never acceptable in the classroom," wrong.
14. I am thankful for Ulta Beauty and their semi-annual sale of wrinkle cream so I will continue to stay "youthful and energized or your money back."
15. I am thankful for my neighbor Thahn and her allowance to let me call her dog, Lilly, my name of Minnie, and randomly go play with her (Minnie, not Thahn) and feed her doggie treats. Now if Reid would just replace his board for, oh I don't know, GLASS for his front window, and the Chicken Lady would keep her chickens and bunnies out of our yards, our neighborhood might be somewhat picturesque (at night of course, when all the homeless people have left, and it's not garbage night).
Happy Thanksgiving, yo!
