The Toaster Theory

Tact.  Few people have it, but it should be required just as much as shoes and shirts are when entering a public establishment.  I'm not sure of the movie, but a middle-aged woman asked an elderly woman why she had never married.  Her response had me erupt into tears for hours: "I guess I never married because no one ever asked me."  The lesson I learned from this scene was NOT how important it is to get married, but rather don't ask someone something that lacks tact.  Period.

I can't tell you how many times people asked when Joe and I were going to get married.  I never found the question amusing, and quite honestly, it was upsetting at times for both of us.  It was upsetting not because I was dying to get married, but rather I was fine with my relationship and quite happy.  I guess I just hoped others could see that too.  And then there was the opposite side: People that simply brushed our relationship off and never took us seriously.  We are over thirty, so there's no hope for us.  Those people infuriated me as well. 

In January, mere minutes before I was supposed to go to the bridal show with Joe and my mom, I began crying and crying a lot.  "I'm not going anymore," I sobbed to Joe.  "I'm too old; people will look at me strange."  And Joe replied with something that I will never forget.  "We've always played by our own rules.  And as old as they will think we are, we will laugh at them for being so young."  And then he promised we would go to Olive Garden afterwards, and for the next several hours, all was well with the world. 

But that solution, why it got me to go to the bridal show, wasn't right either.  Getting married young or getting married older shouldn't matter to anyone but the couple.  Just as some young people are incredibly immature to handle even their own lives let alone being a partner for life with another, there are those wandering thirty year olds that lack maturity as well.  Which is why, many years ago, on the couch of my mom's house, I declared the toaster theory.

Any theory that you may have about anything has statistics to back it up.  You think that getting married young is a travesty? Well guess what?  The Chicago Tribune suggests that 60% of all marriages where the couple is between 20-25 years old end in divorce.  You think that having a baby by forty is too late?  Well, The Huffington Post agrees that thiry-five is the best age to stop having children.  See what I mean?  Anything you can think of will have research and statistics that will support your claim.  But not the toaster theory.  No research. No stats, real or fake.  Just me, on my couch, at my mom's, with the candle stick. 

The Toaster Theory: If you own a toaster prior to marriage, you are of appropriate age to get married. 

What the h$@!?  When you move out for the first time, whether it be to a college dorm, or a scuzzy apartment, you can't afford a lot.  If you have enough money to scrape together, you buy one appliance.  What is that one appliance you ask?  Usually a toaster.  I don't know why it's not the George Foreman grill or a blender, or a freaking rice cooker.  I don't know why it's a toaster.  It just is. 

What does a toaster have to do with marriage?  To me, it says establishment. If you have your own toaster, you are out of mommy and daddy's basement. It says, "I can handle being poor in a scuzzy apartment with crazy neighbors who smoke pot and keep me up at night when I have a final to take the next morning."  It says, "I put on my big girl/boy pants and can handle things on my own."  It says, "Now that I have handled things on my own, I can play nice with others."

So there you have it.  A theory all my own, supported by no research. Sure, it may be a little crazy, but I think if you really think about it, it makes sense.  Figure out who you are and what you want before you commit to another, whether that be at age 19, 46, or not at all.  No one says you have to get married, and no one, really, should care.  But people do, and those people are obnoxious and lack tact.  They are the same people who ask if a woman is pregnant, and those people are why I believe in the death penalty.  Ok, that was harsh and waaaay off topic.

So if you really want to take advice of yet another birdie chirping in your ear, mine is simple: buy a toaster.