This is a Strong House

This is a strong house.

It has been almost a year since Joe and I were married.  It certainly hasn't been all lollipops, unicorns, and glitter like a Kesha music video.  It's been more like a television commercial for a new medication in which you see a jolly man paddling in circles while a voice-over lists all of the side effects, of course, always ending in death.  Now I'm not saying marriage is a death sentence, but I would have appreciated an alphabetized list of side effects, a self-help book, something to prepare me for what is to come.  I see all these parenting books entitled What to Expect When You're Expecting, When You're One, When You're Two, yada, yada, yada. What about the books titled What to Expect in Your First Year of Marriage?  If a couple can't succeed together, then why bring a baby into the mix?  It sounds like we are getting ahead of ourselves with all of these baby books.  It's that chicken and egg debate all over again.

If I ever get overly ambitious maybe I will write a book entitled What To Expect in Your First Year of Marriage.  But who am I kidding?  I find myself far more clever and truthful to knock off someone else's title.  I will make it my own, and I will call it: The First Year of Marriage Sucks, Let's Be Honest.  I would pilot the following chapters:

Chapter 1: High Expectations

What sucks about the first year of marriage is not the person you're married to (at least in my case).  What sucks are the high expectations that you and your partner place on yourself and each other because you think that you are the only couple that isn't 100% madly in love all the time. You spend more time dwelling on the fact that you are failing (which you're not), when in reality every couple is just trying to figure out their way, even if they've been married thirty years.  It's not a competition, and it's not about winning or failing.

This high expectation thing has taken me a whole year to figure out.

Chapter 2: Deserted Island

We've all been asked this question.  If you were trapped on a deserted island what one thing would you take with you?  The nerdy side of me said book.  The responsible side of me said fire starter.  Now what if I changed the question and tell you that the only thing that you can take with you is your new spouse?  "How unfair!  I demand new rules!" you might say.  This is how I've felt at times.  We had family and friends come from all over to our wedding and reception.  Then poof!  Everyone is gone.  Now what? 

Chapter 3: Relentless Questioning

I've been asked two annoying questions throughout the past year that don't help whatsoever.  Annoying Question #1: How is married life?  That's a loaded question if there ever was one.  Depending on the day, I may have responded with, "Joe is sooo great.  He picked up his dirty clothes off the floor without me nagging him." Or, if it was one of those days, I may have said, "Well, he didn't come to dinner on time, so I threw his spaghetti out the door."  Yes, that really happened, and no further commentary is needed.

Annoying Question #2: So when are you finally going to have a baby?  Really?  I've been married a hot second and you're thinking of me reproducing?  Do you realize how long it takes the typical bride to feel glamorous about herself for wedding day photos and then you bring up the idea of stretch marks, acne, and weight gain?  Get out of town.  This is never an ok question to ask any couple...ever.

Chapter 4: Battle Scars

In reaching months nine and ten, I felt that Joe and I had gone the rounds far more than necessary and we both had the battle scars (not literally) to prove it.  Was the spaghetti throwing incident really needed?  No (although it still makes me smile).  Did Joe really need to call me crazy in front of the whole neighborhood?  No again, although embarrassing, I'm sure it made our neighbors feel
 more at home.  That phrase "pick your battles" really rings true.  Some things just aren't really worth arguing about and I think it takes the first year of marriage to truly test the waters and see what buttons to avoid at all costs.  When I look back at the issues I've had over the past year ,the amusing thing is is that Joe and I always arrive at the same conclusion, it's just getting there that we are so different on that sends the noodles flying.

Chapter 5: White Flag

When you're ready to surrender and coexist peacefully, I would highly suggest a mantra, a saying, something that you and your partner can agree on to make it through each day.  Ours was created by Joe when he got sick of me giving up, sort of speak.  It started very early in our relationship when I would have a bad day and say, "I'm so tired.  I just don't want to go tomorrow."  His response was simple, "This is a strong house."  What is he talking about?  I don't live in a house, and I'm certainly not strong.  But then I realized: Mind over matter.  When times get tough, when I feel like giving up, when I want to send noodles through the door, I calmly remind myself that, "This is a strong house," and I'm over it.  Sure, the house itself is strong.  But it's the people that are in it that matter most.  WE are strong.  WE are united.  WE can do anything no matter how little or big.  We can go to work even when we are sick.  We can pay for a wedding all by ourselves.  We can make sacrifices and go on a fabulous vacation.  We can do anything, together, and have a good attitude about it.  This is a strong house, and we can make it through anything (as long as we don't have to redo our first year of marriage again).



This is who made it that way.